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So Check it out. Here is an extensive list of some things that I have deemed completely shitty. This list is not in sequential order or anything like that. It's just a list of dumb shit that I thought about in about 20 minutes and decided to expand on them. Enjoy.
1.) Casio Keyboards- Well known for being cheap, affordable, and completely fucking useless. The sounds produced by this mammoth waste of space, completely reek of cheese. Even worse than the 80's cheese. Think I'm blowing this out of proportion? Just go to your local Ball-Mart or Worst Buy and test one of these bad boys out. You will learn very soon what the meaning of horrid is. If the noise coming out doesn't sound bad to you, then you have clearly never had the privilege of true soul moving sound quality and you need to also reference number 15 on my list.
2.) Mac Users- (See also, Fag, Pompous Ass, Shallow, Brainwashed) The average mac user kind of reminds me of people from Texas. They are ridiculously over-hyping their own bullshit. Here are some of the things I hear when discussing music production: "OMG if you do music, you like totally have to have a mac, cuz its like better, Bra!!! LOL" and of course I reply with "First off, I'm not your bra! Second, I have been making music that sounds great on a PC for years. Go Fuck yourself" Of course that's not enough to keep them from annoying the holy piss out of me. Then, of course you've got the pseudo-intellectual hobo's that hang out at starbucks sucking down their Venti Java-Choke-A-Lotto-Crap-O-Squishy-McSw irly-Triple-Shot-Dick in the mouth-Whatever the fuck it is that costs 8 bucks-Holiday Fuck-Bag special. Those guys are vacuous and must clearly have nothing better to do on some random Tuesday afternoon that sit there on their Mac and act like they are some sort of social elite. These people also probably drive Volvos or Jettas or something equally gay.
3.) Skinny Jeans- This one shouldn't come as a shock. I mean come on. I have tree's for legs. If my legs can not breathe then neither can I. These might work for girls, but only if they're going to tuck the jeans into some sexy, furry boots, then its ok. If you're going to wear them with some Chuck Taylors, then you only look like a total dufus dumbass. Skinny Jeans also make your feet look bigger. I guess they'd be prepared to go skiing at any moments notice.
4.) Most Cars- Auto makers clearly did not have me in mind when they were designing these flimsy pieces of garbage that couldn't withstand my grandmothers driving skills, let alone my formula one style approach to traffic. So basically I am the Grim Reaper for automobiles. They come to me when it's their time to die. And that's not because I get into wrecks, it's because I'm a bad muther fucker when I'm behind the wheel! Here are some basic things that I need a car to do.
-I want to go 220 mph everywhere. Even if I'm not in a hurry.
-I don't want to take it to the shop every month.
-I want to be able to stand on the gas pedal and go. None of this "hit the pedal and wait for the engine to wake up" shit either
-I want to be able to power shift like I'm running from the cops.
-I want bullet proof tires and a suspension that will keep me glued to the ground.
-I want to be able to plow through shopping carts, mail boxes, garbage cans, puppies, joggers with blinky orange vests, and those jack asses that stand on the corner twirling signs for home sales and furniture store closings.
-I want it to scare the fuck out of the neighbors when I start it up in the morning with a sound similar to that of a 747 taking off.
-I also don't want it to come with shitty stereos and speakers that I have to rip out and replace anyways. Nor do I want an ipod docking station. A simple USB plug would be fine.
Save your seat warmers for grandma and leave the tv's in the house where they belong. I don't want my car to call sushi restaurants or turn my music down when my phone rings. I don't need a navigation system because I know where the fuck I'm going and please for the love of God, get rid of that damned check engine light. Hey Mr. Super Duper Onstar computer, if you're so awesome, why don't you check the engine for me, dickweed! You're not doing me any favors other than raising the price of this shitty car by a few thousand. Bastards!!
5.) Organic Foods- Holy hell, have you seen this stuff?!? It's like 5 dollars more than the regular stuff and looks puny and weak! The winning argument has been this: It's better because it's free of pesticides and growth hormones, and they don't use big ole bad chemicals! Awww wah! Shut the fuck up and Grow a pair. I like chemicals. They taste great and guess what? I don't get eaten up by bugs in the summer cause my body fluids repel them and I can bench press a small truck compliments of the growth hormones! But hey if you wanna be weak and puny and get PWNED by bugs in the summer then be my guest, pay 5 bucks for a shriveled apple you tool!!
6.) iTunes- This shit is gayer than gay. It's super hero flaming fag-fagtastic, pink tutu's on an abercrombie model Gay! I use Win-Amp Cause it's tight! I can play fuckin anything, regardless of where it came from, what web site I stole it from, what file format it's in, whatever!! And it has it's own equalizer that I can use to fine tune the sound of my jams. Itunes is some corporate proprietary bullshit. I tried to get some songs off a buddied Ipod once and guess what, I couldn't get the tracks cause I didn't have the proper licensing! Fuck Bags! Why the Fuck does that shit have to be so fucking gay! I use Creative MP3 players. Know why? Cause it doesn't care where I got my stuff. It doesn't check to see if I paid for it or not and if I wanna spin off a couple tracks for some friends, it doesn't give me any shit! You ipod users are greedy tools! Gimme your songs sucka! Don't make me smash these mushy organic lemons into your eye sockets you Kool Aid drinking, fuck sticks!!
7.) People Telling Me What To Do- This one's especially important. Chances are, I already know what I'm doing. If I don't I will ask you or someone who has answers. I'm pretty self sufficient and I would rather not hear you repeat the same thing to me 30 times. That's about all I wanted to say on that. Fuck you.
8.) Tomatoes- Let's face it. They taste good on a sandwich but let's really get down to brass tax. Let's say on some random friday night your faced with a dinner decision. Do you choose
A. Get some wicked chinese and snuggle up to some tight ass video games? Or do you choose
B. Get a big ole plate of tomatoes and pray for the Lord to put you out of your misery by setting you, your house, your gay dog, and your iPod on fire?
If you answered B. There is no hope for you in life and you should end your life pre maturely or get someone else to do it for you. If you answered A. Could you pick up a liter of Evan Williams and some smokes on your way over to my place?
9.) Work- There is no bigger buzz kill than the old statement "No I can hang out and do awesome stuff with you guys cause I have to WORK IN THE MORNING!" Work is for mindless drones. Real people create business and industry and employ drones to do their work for them. Meanwhile guys like me will be giving myself million dollar raises at your expense and take way more of your hard earned money!!! Muhahahaha!!! But seriously though, work is like getting punched in the dick repeatedly by some big guy named Ivan.
10.) Money- This shit is weak!!! I miss the old days of trading. Of course I wasn't alive during the times when dead animal furs could buy you a weeks worth of groceries. That would be the shit!!! "Sir, is there anything I can help you with?" I'd reply "Uh yeah man, I was just checking out that sweet new game for the 360 and was wondering if you'd take these raccoon pelts in exchange for your awesome gaming goodness!!" You don't even realize how cool that would be.
11.) Summertime- I know this is probably some of you guys' favorite time of year. Well piss on that! The only thing summer is good for is getting tan and losing a few winter pounds. Other than that, I'm literally dripping in ball sweat and miserable for 4 months out of the year. Only to be met with brief satisfaction in airconditioned places like the freezer isle at the grocery store, opening the fridge, or leaving the AC on in my car at full blast 20 mins before I get into it. I guess the half naked chicks and barbeques almost salvage summer from being a sticky, slimy shit-fest but I have the internet for naked chicks and grilling in the winter is way more awesome!
12.) Me- Yeah I admit it. I suck at life and I am mostly unfit for social interactions and really make things awkward for folk around these parts. The truth be told, if more people were like me, I would suck a lot less. Atleast in public opinion. I think I'm pretty kick ass but many would disagree with me so that is why I had to put myself on the list. Just for the sake of the haters.
13.) Commercials- TV, Radio, Internet... The truth is, I hate them all. Especially all the corny ass catch lines, which are getting worse everyday mind you. Except for the ones that are honest. But you don't see too many of those. For once I'd like to hear a commercial that told it like it really was. For example how refreshing would it be to hear a Wal-mart ad go something like this:
"Here at Wal-mart we pride ourselves in stealing a huge portion of the market by pushing mediocre products at a price you can afford. We have 45 Cash registers and only 3 of them are open. One has a 120 year old fossil helping a fat black lady who's paying with a bad check. The second is a teen from Bangaladesh who can't speak english, and the third is a mentally retarded person who we were legally bound to hire to avoid a discrimination lawsuit."
and then the catch phrase could go something like this:
"Wal-Mart, its just a little better than making this stuff yourself!"
Kinda catchy ain't it?!?! I would continue buying from them even if they had commercials like that. Know why? Cause atleast they were honest! And where else am I gonna find 97 cent cans of spray paint at 2 in the morning for tagging your house? What I don't wanna hear is how XYZ company makes shopping a pleasure!! or How their Customer Service is second to none! What the fuck ever! Why don't you guys go spoon your marketing department and suck each other off!!
14.) Chick Flicks- How women tolerate this mindless dribble is still a mystery to me. I can't watch 5 mins of any chick show with out litterally shaking with rage and promptly leaving the room. Clearly womens tolerance for bull shit must be astronomical! This shit also leads women to have delusions of grandeur! They start believing that some how life is just like sex and the city and that men will buy entire jewelry stores to satisfy the void in their materialistic souls when a girl is on her period. Please, You're annoying! If it weren't for the sex, most men would be gay!
15.) Computer Speakers- Somewhat related to number 1 but these things have literally taken over! I remember when a home stereo had 15 inch woofer cabinets and crisp horn tweeters that would shake your house, and your neighbors house off its foundations. Not anymore. Even expensive home theater solutions, have become these cheap plastic cans that go more for style than sound quality. What the hell does a guy have to do to get loud music that doesn't sound like an amped up pair of ear buds in a can?!?! I guess the only solution for me is to set up a concert hall in my living room since live sound speaker manufacturers are the only ones left that know how to make a fuckin speaker! All you consumers have been sold a horrible shell of what used to be a kick ass industry.
Well that wraps it up for this blog. I know it was long as shit but you guys wanted fresh material so here it is. Eat it, chew on it, taste it for a while cause writing blogs takes time and there are other things I'd rather do than have to educate the public on how things should be. You guys should figure this stuff out on your own! Anyways, hope you can relate! Peace to your mamas crease!!!